Patriots fans everywhere had the upcoming football season flash before their eyes on Friday evening when Redskins defensive tackle Albert Haynesworth buried Tom Brady late in the second quarter of a preseason game. Fans from Connecticut to Maine just wanted updates on an injury that kept Brady sidelined for the remainder of the game. They wanted to know if their quarterback’s right shoulder would be ready before the regular-season opener on Sept. 14. At the very least, they wanted confirmation that their star quarterback wasn’t going to miss another entire season. Of course, this is New England, so Pats fans received none of the above. Coach Bill Belichick played his post-game press conference like he was being interrogated about a surprise party for Tom Brady, and he didn’t want to spoil the surprise.

Nothing to see here ... Move along.

At one point during coach Bill Belichick’s post-game presser, after about 10 consecutive questions about Brady’s health, he was asked if “he” came out for the second half or remained in the locker room to receive treatment. Belichick answered, “Who?” Classic stuff. Unfortunately, very few media members deemed Belichick’s refusal to be forthcoming with injury information as “classic”. Belichick spent the majority of the weekend getting criticized by fans and media alike for failing to share information that the NFL supposedly requires coaches to make public. Not that Belichick is even aware of the criticism. In reality, no coach shares everything he knows about the state of his roster’s health, but Belichick may be the least revealing of all coaches.

As a service to Patriots fans and the media that covers the team, I’m going to interpret his Brady-related remarks spanning two press conferences this weekend. Here goes nothing.

Friday evening press conference

Question: How is Tom Brady?

Belichick’s quote: “I’m sure he has some bumps and bruises like everybody else that played in the game.”

Interpretation: ”Well, he should be fine once he shakes out the cobwebs. He was very concerned in the locker room that he hadn’t replaced the divot his body left on the 50-yard-line. By the way, I could care less about the bumps and bruises of anyone else that played this game.”  

Question: Did you plan on removing Brady after the first half, or did that hit knock him out of the game?

Belichick’s quote: “We wanted to look at Kevin [O'Connell] and Andrew [Walter] in the second half.”

Interpretation: “After seeing Brady get hit in the first half, I was very content watching two of the crappiest quarterbacks in the league run my offense in the second half. In fact, one of those guys played so terribly, I’m going to cut him on Sunday.”

Question: So the injury situation didn’t change the plan?

Belichick’s quote: “We wanted to look at Kevin [O'Connell] and Andrew [Walter] in the second half.”

Interpretation: “It’s fun when we keep repeating the same questions and answers over and over. Keep ‘em coming.”

Question: It looked like he started the second half on the sideline and then had to return to the locker room.

Belichick’s quote: “Who did?”

Kevin ... You're fired.

Interpretation: “Ask another question.”

Question: Tom Brady.

Belichick’s quote: “I don’t know.”

Interpretation: “I’m pretending I’m confused.”

Question: It looked like he walked off with a team doctor. What was the assessment when they looked at him?

Belichick’s quote: ”He didn’t play in the second half.”

Interpretation: “I’m going to pretend you’re asking me to assess Brady’s second-half performance until you stop asking me questions about doctors.”

Question: Do you expect Brady to play in the final exhibition game?

Belchick’s quote: “We really haven’t talked about the final exhibition game. We haven’t talked about how we’re going to handle the rotation or anything on that. We’ll talk about that a couple of days before the game.”

Interpretation: “I literally crapped my pants when I saw Brady get hit. So I’m going to have to throw away these warmup pants. I don’t want to ruin another pair of warmups during a preseason game. So Brady may not even be in the same stadium for the final preseason game.”

Question: How do you think Brady looked while he was in there?

Belichick’s quote: “I thought our team played competitively. I thought that we did some good things. They’re a good defensive team. They gave us some problems. I thought Tom [Brady] handled himself well; most of the offense did.”

Interpretation: “It’s fun when Tom’s standing upright. That’s when we’re at our best. It’s not as fun when he’s getting body-slammed. And it’s really not fun when I have to watch Kevin O’Connell and Andrew Walter.”

Question: Why did you go with Andrew Walter on the last series?

Belichick’s quote: “We probably could have gotten him in there a little bit sooner, but they were driving on the series before. We could have done it earlier.”

Interpretation: “It took me 10 minutes to figure out Kevin O’Connell can’t play at this level. But I was getting a kick out of watching him throw picks. I guess I figured Andrew Walter was just as bad.”

Saturday press conference

Question: If this were a regular season game and you needed to fill out an injury report, would Tom Brady be listed as probable with a right shoulder injury?

Belichick’s quote, “Well, that’s hard to say. We’ll fill that report out when it comes, Ian [Rapoport]. That’s happened before.”

Interpretation: “You’re a comedian now, Ian Rapoport?”

Question: What is the update on Tom Brady?

Belchick’s quote: “I don’t have anything to add. I don’t have anything to add from last night.”

Interpretation: “When I said nothing for 20 minutes last night, I meant it.”

Question: “Did Tom require x-rays just to get a closer look at that?”

Belichick’s quote: “I’m not really comfortable getting into a public diagnosis of anything. Look, we played a physical game against a very physical team. I’m sure at the end of the game a lot of the guys were sore and had bumps and bruises. Everybody that played in the game would fall under that category. That’s pretty normal after a game like that.”

Interpretation: “Here’s a shocker: Today isn’t going to be the day I break my shutout streak as far as revealing injuries.”

Question: “Are you saying that Tom’s shoulder is a normal bump and bruise from a physical game and there’s nothing more than that?”

Belichick’s quote: ”I’m saying that we made the decision to play other quarterbacks in the Washington game because we wanted to see them play and that will be the same situation going forward into the Giants game. Tom had a desire to play, but we made a football decision to play other players because I think we need to see them at that position and make an evaluation there, so that’s what I’m saying.”

Interpretation: “Here’s what I’m saying, tough guy. Tom isn’t going to play until the opener. So rather than go through this exercise every day for the next two weeks, let’s just all pretend that I’m really interested in seeing other quarterbacks run this team until Sept. 13.”

Question: Last year, when Tom got hurt you had Matt Cassel, who hadn’t played that much, but had time in your system. How comfortable are you right now with your backup quarterback situation in terms of knowledge of the system and what they could do should they be called upon?

Belichick’s quote: “Well, I think that’s a position, with Matt not here now, that’s a competitive situation and we’re evaluating that with all three players. It’s an ongoing process.”

Interpretation: “First, don’t mention Tom getting hurt last year ever again. Second, with Cassel moving on to Kansas City, all of our backup quarterbacks are equally incompetent. I’m going to put that nicely by saying it’s ‘competitive’, but that’s like saying the battle for the Red Sox starting shortstop position has been ‘competitive’ this season.”

Question: How would you assess the way Kevin O’Connell played last night?

Belichick’s quote: ”Well, I think there were again, some good things, some other things that could be better: decisions, results of the play – at times were good and at times could have been better. [It was] a learning experience that every player goes through on every play. We’ll evaluate those along with all the other things in training camp, practices, games and all that. That’s all part of the evaluation for the quarterback in particular because so many of the things in their position relate to managing the team, calling the plays, formations, obviously decision-making, accuracy in the passing game, clock management, so forth and so on, audibles, check plays – those kind of things. Some things were good. Other things definitely could have been better.”

Interpretation: “We’re going to cut O’Connell tomorrow. I don’t want to have to issue a statement to the media afterward, so I’m going to issue this statement right now. Use this quote for your “O’Connell gets cut” stories tomorrow. There are many aspects to being a quarterback, and O’Connell wasn’t able to handle a single one of them.”

7 Comments for “Belichick shares Brady news … in his own way”

1. TheGravy Says:
   August 31st, 2009 at 11:37 am

   Look Dan… I’m a wiffleball guy. I’m not a football guy. I think football is a stupid sport. I want to read about wiffleball, not football. It’s nearly the wiffleball post-season and we haven’t seen one stinking article. Is this a sports blog?

   If this Belichick article were not your best comedic effort so far, and it is (and I would know because I decide what is funny and what is not, and this article is decidedly funny, mostly because I decided so, but also because of its inherent funniness) I might be forced to resort to an expletive expression indicating my desire to read something about wiffleball. So lets get back to our computer, Dan. Dan, lets sit down in our chair and lets put together a nice piece on wiffleball.

2. Anthony Says:
   August 31st, 2009 at 4:33 pm

   This is truly some of the funniest and most accurate breakdown of Belichik’s post-game press conference I’ve seen. Reading your breakdown, I have come to see the similarities btw a Belichik presser and the pressers that Rumsfeld used to preside over when he was at the Pentagon. If only Rumsfeld were half the strategist that Belichik is…

3. Clamjam Says:
   August 31st, 2009 at 6:25 pm

   I would like to commend THeGravy on his excellent point on the lack of coverage on wiffle ball. You would think a competitor such as Dan would actually cover this amazing sport.

4. Thanks for Playing Says:
   September 1st, 2009 at 10:34 am

   My dad looks like Rumsfeld

5. flossbagger Says:
   September 1st, 2009 at 10:37 am

   i was curious about wiffleball as well. Do you know of any wiffleball fantasy leagues as i would be happy to commish such an idea. perhaps fellow wiffleball fans will join this league and i can take your money. dan, football is a meatball sport. Much like basketball there are too many egotistical criminals. Now hockey, thats a real sport…

6. Sherrell Azua Says:
   October 11th, 2010 at 9:38 am

   A Poker-Face has become unrelevat when taking part in on line poker – thus I think that trying to play online should only be used as a instructing technique towards the real deal – that taking part in live alongside real opponenets with real face gestures and tweaks

7. Apple OS5 Says:
   September 30th, 2011 at 3:19 am

   The electronic cigarette uses a battery and a small heating component the vaporize the e-liquid. This vapor can then be inhaled and exhaled

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