There is hardly an intense hatred for the Los Angeles Angels in New England. Considering the Red Sox eliminated the Angels from the postseason in 1986, 2004, 2007 and 2008, hating the Halos would be similar to hating an usher at a baseball game. Like an usher, the Angels’ sole purpose is leading the Sox to their reserved place in the ALCS each October. If the Angels are really feeling frisky, they might even ask to check the Sox’ ticket just to make sure they belong. But the usher rarely is an unlikable figure. The only way he ends up escorting the Sox to the exit is if they throw up all over themselves several times over the course of a five-game series.

Still, this is playoff baseball, and fans aren’t supposed to feel sorry for the other team. This is the time of year when rivalries flourish, and Sox fans have some fun with players such as A-Rod or Roger Clemens. So, before the Sox throw it in cruise control for another sweep of the Angels in the ALDS, let’s review the top 10 reasons to hate the Angels.

The look of an ace?

1. The Angels’ ace is John Lackey. That’s right, Lackey. The guy’s supposed to be a stopper, and his last name conjures up images of Screech Powers and Boner Stabone. Unfortunately for Lackey, he’s never been surrounded by anyone as talented as Zack Morris or Mike Seaver. Lackey — good thing you have your name on your jersey. Otherwise, I’d confuse you for Kendry Morales. You’re the exact same shape. I can’t wait to see you in Game 1, Lackey. You’re not an ace — you just pitch first.

2. Chone Figgins spells his name incorrectly. The Angels infielder is the only person I’ve ever heard of who pronounces his name SHAWN and spells it C-H-O-N-E. It’s just another example of parents refusing to give their children traditional names like John, Michael or even Sean. And this is not a trend I’m enjoying. Pretty soon, we’re going to have kids running around by the name of Prince Michael or Pax. On the list of alternate spellings for Sean, Xi’an falls before Chone. So to be clear, Chone’s name would be more normal if it started with an ‘X’ and had an apostrophe in it.

3. The Rally Monkey is stupid. I know a zookeeper. She claims monkeys are the most difficult animal to handle in the entire zoo. They put their own urine in their mouths and spit on people as they pass by. They play with their own excrement and wait patiently for opportunities to hurl their “gift” at a zookeeper who brings them food. They’ll even kill each other if a disagreement reaches a certain level of intensity. And these nutcases in Anaheim are celebrating these animals as if they’re witnessing a dove release.

4. The Angels are in crappy movies. Not to say “Fever Pitch” was a great movie, but at least the end of the movie is real. The Sox win the World Series in that movie. Keith Foulke really is on the mound, and Doug Mientkiewicz really is playing first base for the final out. When the Angels win the championship in “Angels in the Outfield,” I’m 99 percent sure we’re not watching game highlights. After all, I find it hard to believe the Angels called on Tony Danza to pitch while Adrien Brody played the outfield in Game 7. I know we can expect anything with Danny Glover as manager, but those are some questionable personnel moves.

5. Somehow the Angels landed Scott Kazmir this summer. I hate it when star players get moved after the trade deadline. What’s the point of a deadline, then? I got married Aug. 1 of this year, and the last thing I remember before the wedding is hearing that Victor Martinez had been traded to the Sox. So, I made my peace with the trade deadline, figured that would be the end of big-name player movement and went on my honeymoon. Imagine my surprise when I returned, started writing thank you notes and learned the top left-handed pitcher on the Rays was now an Angel. How can I wrap my head around that? And what’s the point of a trade deadline? Extending trade season into August is the equivalent of a furniture store having a going-out-of-business sale that lasts 18 months.

No one is on base.

6. The Angels plan to pick on Jason Varitek. I recently heard on “Baseball Tonight” that if the Angels see Jason Varitek behind the plate, they plan on “running with everyone.” Does that make perfect sense? Yes. Do they have to announce it to everyone? No. Everyone knows Varitek is getting old fast. The Angels aren’t breaking any ground with this revelation. Imagine you’re coaching your son’s Little League team, and you overhear your little boy say, “If that kid in the wheelchair bats with his dad, I’m going to bust him inside.” Or, “If that autistic kid at recess wanders into the ring during dodgeball, I’m pelting him in the head.” Wouldn’t you reprimand your son? Have some class, Anaheim. You’re talking about the captain. Treat him accordingly.

7. The Angels are suffering an identity crisis. The Angels have had a team since 1961, but they still can’t figure out what to call themselves. They’ve settled on the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. So, just to be clear, the ALDS matchup includes the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim and the Boston Red Sox of the Fenway area — over by the Kenmore Square MBTA station.

8. Bobby Abreu is completely unlikable. From a Red Sox fan’s perspective, Abreu is the guy who stepped out of the box in the middle of Josh Beckett‘s windup during a game in April. Abreu got a chance to look at a free pitch, so Beckett fired it under his chin. Abreu couldn’t believe the horror. Boo-hoo, Bobby. From a Phillies fan’s perspective, Abreu spent the best years of his career in Philadelphia. There, he earned $14 million a year to hit solo home runs while his team was leading or trailing 6-0 in the eighth inning. Needless to say, Abreu’s Phillies teams typically finished last. But nobody could work a ninth-inning walk like Abreu. That’s exactly what that last-place team needed.

9. Mike Scioscia seems like a jerk. Was anyone surprised when umpires accused Scioscia of abusing them on their way off the field at Fenway last month? That seems right up this guy’s alley. He spends the entire game jawing at the umpires from the top step of the dugout. Rather than setting an example for his players, he takes the lead on hazing the umpires in the dugout. And he always seems to get in the way of a good series by calling for weird suicide squeezes or double steals when his team is mounting a rally. When Scioscia tries to become the hero, the Angels run into outs on the base paths. Now he’s putting together innovative strategies like, “We’re going to run on the catcher with the noodle arm who hasn’t thrown anybody out in three months.” Good idea, Mike.

10. Beat LA! Any time there is potential for a ‘Beat LA’ chant in Fenway, we have to embrace it. So, even if the Angels aren’t sure if they’re really from LA — and there’s not a really good reason to hate them — close your eyes and picture Kobe Bryant. Then fire up the old Boston standby chant: ‘Beat LA!”

11 Comments for “10 reasons to hate the Angels”

1. ChrisLloyd Says:
   October 6th, 2009 at 11:54 am

   Great sports knowledge, but you have no clue about classic cinema.

   “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”

2. TW Says:
   October 6th, 2009 at 1:32 pm

   I was at a Fenway game during the filming of Fever Pitch. I don’t remember, but I’ll take your word for it that they used live game footage at the end of the movie (I mean, how could they pass up that insane, once in the entire history of the world until the sun swallows up the planet opportunity that occurred that year) but I do know that they didnt’ start filming that day until after the Red Sox had gone into their clubhouse and the fake team was out on the field.

3. gm Says:
   October 6th, 2009 at 2:50 pm

   So TW the end of the movie is actual game footage of the actual team. You didn’t see it when you were at fenway, because it was in St.Louis.

4. TheGravy Says:
   October 6th, 2009 at 3:12 pm

   When we say Scioscia abused the umpires in a dark tunnel on the way to their locker rooms, what does that entail exactly?

5. mdc Says:
   October 6th, 2009 at 3:16 pm

   I understand this comment is irrelevant, but how many of you reading this piece thought Dan Whatever was knicking Bill Simmons from ESPN? This would be acceptable (arguably, Dan) if the piece was clever or funny, but …

6. TheGravy Says:
   October 6th, 2009 at 3:35 pm

   http://www.boston.com/sports/baseball/redsox/multimedia/sox_angels_history/

   Here’s a challenging trivia game to play when your not making me a turkey pot pie.

7. Chinmuzik Says:
   October 6th, 2009 at 6:39 pm

   ….”So, before the Sox throw it in cruise control for another sweep of the Angels in the ALDS, let’s review the top 10 reasons to hate the Angels”

   You Cannot be from around here!
   Are you crazy, puttng the ‘jinks’ on us like that? If the Sox lose in four to those left-coast vermin – I’ll blame you, Mr. Smarty-Mouth-blog-n-heimer.

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   October 7th, 2009 at 7:10 pm

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9. Sweep09 Says:
   October 23rd, 2009 at 4:11 pm

   Wow I bet you feel like an ass at this point.

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