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Lakers title leads off a Joke Book

06.15.09 at 8:30 am ET

By Dan Guttenplan

Kobe done his work

A few thoughts as I mail in a column following my bachelor party weekend.

Big night for Celtics fans on Sunday night. The Lakers moved to within two championships of the Celtics in terms of all-time titles. Phil Jackson surpassed Red Auerbach for most career coaching championships. To make matters worse, Kobe Bryant claimed the Bill Russell Trophy for Finals MVP, and Jackson claimed he smoked a victory cigar in honor of Red. My favorite part was when Kobe set a side a bottle of champagne, grabbed Phil Jackson with two hands on the back of the neck, and poured the entire bottle over Jackson’s head. Couldn’t happen to a nicer guy.

I want to thank Manny Ramirez for setting the mood for my bachelor party weekend by unleashing the most apropos quote I’ve ever heard. “Whatever happened, happened.” Exactly right, Manny.

I realized I was watching too much Dennis Eckersley on NESN when I got pulled over for speeding recently, and I told the cop, “This isn’t even my hard cheese.”

J.D. Drew is exactly right. Phillies fans need to get over the fact that he snubbed them more than a decade ago. I mean, any time you’re a fan of one the worst teams in the majors, and that team drafts a player who is being compared to Mickey Mantle, and that player immediately refuses to play in your team’s city, that’s something you need to forget quickly. J.D. Drew did what was best for him, and Phillies fans suffered through about five more terrible seasons. Don’t you dare call J.D. Drew selfish.

Jim Calhoun fell off a bike yesterday and cracked a few ribs. Now he can barely reach his right arm to his back pocket so that he can “court” recruits.

In a desperate move to keep his name in the news cycle, expect Brett Favre to release a public statement this week, in which he calls himself a “humble hero” for refusing to take steroids to expedite his recovery process following shoulder surgery. Favre is in the midst of setting an all-time record for most consecutive SportsCenter appearances for a washed-up quarterback who hasn’t done anything interesting in five years. And by the way, don’t think Terrell Owens is going to let this go on all summer without throwing his hat in the ring.

The Philadelphia Eagles just granted Donovan McNabb a $5.3 million pay hike for the next two years, cementing their status as the runner-up in the NFC for two more seasons. Eagles management will have no problem explaining this to Philadelphia fans who said goodbye to legendary safety Brian Dawkins last winter over what was believed to be about $2 million.

Vince Young had a one-on-one sit-down with ESPN:360 last week to clear the air about an alleged suicide attempt last season. After spending six months putting together a statement, he opened the interview with, “I just want to clear the air ’cause people take what I say out of TEXT.” And I took that quote right from the text of his ESPN interview.

David Ortiz snapped out of his season-long slump last week only a few days after the team received a Fed Ex shipment from Manny Ramirez. That’s just a joke, by the way. The team didn’t receive a shipment for Ortiz. He’s seeing the ball much better these days.