It’s the return of the Most Wanted List. The following people have conducted themselves in a terrible manner in the last week.

1. Laurence Maroney: Nice career, Laurence. You’ve effectively buried yourself on the Patriots’ running back depth chart before the end of September. And here’s what burns me about Maroney. I made fun of him in this blog space for the better part of the last year. Then it came time to draft my fantasy football team in my Philadelphia-based league earlier this month, and I decided to roll the dice on Maroney in the 12th round. Everyone laughed. They urged me to name my team, “Injured Reserve — Sore Shoulder.” I told them I had the inside track on New England sports. Maroney had been named the Week 1 starter in New England. I felt it was a late-round steal. And then Maroney went out and lost his job in 10 minutes. Now I’m the butt of all Maroney-related jokes in my league. And my 12th-round pick has been dangling on the waiver wire since the second half of the opening game. Your move, Bill Belichick.

Laurence Maroney is at his best in non-contact drills.

2. Ellis Hobbs: Now I know how Patriots fans feel. I was a big fan of the Eagles’ trade for Ellis Hobbs. They gave up a fifth-round pick for a proven NFL starting cornerback. All Hobbs has proven in his three weeks as an Eagle is he’s a proven failed NFL cornerback. In the Eagles’ loss to the Saints in Week 2, Hobbs fumbled a kick return inside his own 30 when the game was still close. Then he capped the Saints’ ensuing touchdown drive by getting torched for a touchdown pass. He was at it again this week, serving as the cover corner who allowed the Chiefs’ only passing touchdown. But the good news is Hobbs always seems willing to serve as the team spokesman. I can’t wait to hear about the injury he’s been nursing at the end of the season.

3. Brad Lidge: I’ve been holding off on putting Lidge on this list because he had a perfect mark of 41 saves in 41 chances last season when the Phillies won a World Series. I’m finally done waiting for Lidge to stop crapping all over potential Phillies wins. Apparently, other Phillies fans feel the same way. Lidge is 0-8 with a 7.51 ERA and has blown 11 saves in 42 opportunities this season. When Lidge enters a game in the ninth, it’s like accepting a ride home from a buddy at the end of a party. Only when you settle in to the passenger seat, your buddy says, “Don’t worry. I haven’t had anything to drink except that bottle of Patron.” The Phillies are 90-66 and are still waiting to clinch the NL East. With a serviceable closer, the Phils would be something like 96-60 — on their way to 100 wins and resting their starters in the final week. And Lidge is rattling off sub par excuses like, “It’s really hard for me to pitch from the stretch.” Well at least it’s something you can easily fix, Brad. Find yourself a spot on the bench. You’ll be eating innings during blowouts this postseason.

4. Kurt Warner: I’m not enjoying the experience of having Kurt Warner quarterback my fantasy football team. I’m tired of watching him throw ugly picks. I’m tired of watching him confusingly pull up his facemask in disgust as his teammates look at him with puzzled expressions on their faces. I’m tired of wondering if he’s concussed at all times. I’m tired of watching him lob the ball into coverage, hoping Larry Fitzgerald or Anquan Boldin come up with highlight-reel catches. And I’m tired of being reminded that I passed on Philip Rivers, who keeps connecting on 60-yard bombs whenever I flip by a Chargers game. Let’s pray together, Kurt. We can turn this thing around.

5. People who take forever to exit planes: I flew back from a wedding in Santa Fe, N.M., on Sunday morning. After a brief layover in Chicago, and the two-hour difference in time, my flight landed in Boston at 3:45 p.m. The minute the flight touched down, I started tapping my foot against the ground, waiting for my row to exit. Best case scenario, I figured, I’d catch most of the 4 o’clock games. One row at a time, the plane emptied until it got to my row. When it was finally our turn, the girl at the end of my row sat patiently and waited until the rows behind us had their turn to exit. Finally, I asked the girl, “Are you all set there?” She said she was just waiting for the people who were in a hurry to exit. Dammit, lady, I’m in a hurry.

6. Chatty flight attendants: While we’re on the topic of air transportation, I’d like to address the proper etiquette for a flight attendant. If I booked a 7:10 a.m. flight on a Sunday, you can assume I want to sleep for the entire flight. That’s right, the ENTIRE flight. So when I settle into my seat, I don’t need you to sing me a song over the intercom about how proud you are to be my flight attendant. I don’t need you to wake me up to ask if I want anything to drink. And I definitely don’t need you to wake me up to ask if I have any trash if I’ve been unconscious for the entire flight. I need two things when I’m flying before 8 a.m.: silence and … wait … I need one thing when I fly before 8 a.m.: silence.

7. Stephen Jackson, the basketball player: As time passes, we seem to get more of an appreciation of exactly what happened during the Malice at the Palace in 2004. The Indiana Pacers evidently had two of the biggest lunatics in NBA history on the same team. The rest is history. Years after Ron Artest first said he wouldn’t change anything about his role in the players vs. fans brawl, Stephen Jackson followed his lead this week. He said, “I don’t have a regret about anything I’ve done. I don’t have a regret about going in the stands with Ron Artest. I say what I want to say when I feel like it, regardless of what the consequence is. That’s just always been me.” What a nutcase.

8. Jake Delhomme: Not a very professional effort out of Jake Monday night. I picked the Panthers to cover an 8.5-point spread against Dallas, and I was absolutely in position to win that bet as of 11:30 p.m. The Panthers trailed 13-7, and Delhomme led the Panthers offense on the field with 5:07 remaining. I started working out the worst-case scenarios in my head, and I figured I had won the bet. I figured Delhomme would go three-and-out, the Panthers would punt, and the Cowboys would run out the clock. Well, we’re working with Delhomme here, so he promptly threw a pick-six and then fumbled the ball away on the next possession. Final score: Dallas 21, Carolina 7. Give Delhomme this much — very few NFL quarterbacks are capable of busting a spread that quickly. He’s in a league of his own.

2 Comments for “Maroney leads off Most Wanted List”

1. Because I Can Says:
   September 29th, 2009 at 1:20 pm

   Is it safe to assume that the Angels will lose in the first round of the playoffs strictly because Bobby Abreu is on their team. What did he do for the Phillies and Yankees other than hit for average and provide warning-track power during crucial at-bats?

2. TheGravy Says:
   September 29th, 2009 at 1:31 pm

   I like how you filed this post. See the “Read More” title at the bottom.

   And also, I hope Nick Swisher gets hit by a car while standing at the plate. He has this arrogant disbelieving look on his face after taking a called 3rd strike. Its like he thinks he’s a *&%#@# hall of famer.

   Pedro would has “Who is Nick Swisher?” whereas I would ask if I could ride shotgun. I hate that man.

   …had to get that off my chest.

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