There are plenty of opportunities to get yourself in trouble over the Thanksgiving holiday break. For starters, there’s the unofficial annual high school reunion on Wednesday night, when you can bump into anyone from the kid who used to let you copy his math homework to the girl you took to the junior prom. The next day, you have to balance a hangover with an excess of beer, food, football and family. Everyone needs a plan for Thanksgiving weekend. I’m here to provide one for you.

This turkey looks weird. (AP)

Wednesday, 8 p.m.

I can tell you what you don’t want to be doing at 8 p.m. on Wednesday night. You don’t want to be the person who says things such as, “I don’t want to see any randoms tonight. Can’t we just hang out with our close group of friends?” If you find yourself saying that, shut off your cell phone and call it a night. Avoid randoms on the other 364 nights of the year. On Thanksgiving Eve, you should embrace randoms. If you’re single, try to cross paths with the girls you once described as “artsy” or “creative.” Being artsy is cool when you’re 25. It means “able to stay up past 10 p.m. because I don’t have kids yet.”

The people who hate Thanksgiving Eve always complain that they have the same conversations over and over again. “Hey, Melissa. Good to see you. I’m living in Boston, how about you? I write about sports, what about you? My sister is doing well, how about your brother?” If you get tired of having that conversation, have a different one. “Hey, Melissa. I’m living in Bangor, Maine. Yeah, I’m really depressed. Sometimes, I just want to bury myself under a mountain of snow.” End of conversation.

I can tell you first-hand that when you no longer have this night in your back pocket as an annual staple, you’ll miss it. I’ve been covering high school football games on Thanksgiving for the last four years. I’m originally from Wilmington, Del., so I haven’t been home for the makeshift high school reunion since 2005. Don’t complain to me about how Thanksgiving Eve is awkward. I miss awkward. I got married to a girl from Massachusetts in the past year, so we’ll be spending Thanksgiving with her family. Naturally, I had questions as to whether I would be expected to serve as the annoying husband who tags along with his wife on Thanksgiving Eve. On Sunday, my wife started the process of uninviting me. “Dan, you don’t need to come home with me on Wednesday night because it’s probably just as easy to commute to your football game from our apartment.” Yeah, I know exactly what she’s trying to pull. And I’m fine with it. It’s Thanksgiving Eve, dammit!

Wednesday, 11:30 p.m.

At this point, you need to remember your common line for escaping awkward conversations all night has been, “I’m going to grab another drink.” You’ve probably used that line six times by now. You’re drunk. Go ahead and pass on that second shot of Wild Turkey. There’s nothing worse than sitting with your family at the table for Thanksgiving dinner and gagging every time you hear the word “turkey.”

Thursday, 2 a.m.

Major “buyer beware” right here! This is, without question, the time to make a decision that can make or break your Thanksgiving weekend. You need to have a great read on how you’re feeling, what’s expected of you on Thanksgiving Day, and how much more time you’ll have to bond with friends that weekend. This is like an extra-inning baseball game in the middle of the week. If you stay tuned until the end, you might catch the best game of the season. Nothing is better than that last hour on Thanksgiving Eve if you’re sharing laughs and stories with friends. But there’s no telling if the game will go to the 18th inning, and you’ll be stuck wishing you went to bed after nine. There are plenty of ways you can submarine Thanksgiving by staying out at 2 a.m. (prompting a weekend-long spat with your girlfriend, over-consumption, etc.). But packing it in early isn’t full-proof, either. It’s the key moment of the entire weekend, and the odds of playing it correctly are 50-50.

Thursday, 3 a.m.

If you find yourself chugging maple syrup out of the bottle at this point, you probably made the wrong decision at 2 a.m. Such was the case for my brother a few years ago. One of his good buddies is in the U.S. Marine Corps, and my brother wanted to prove he was mentally tougher than him in the wee hours of Thanksgiving Eve (technically Thanksgiving morning). They had a contest to see who could chug more maple syrup. After they spent the entire next morning vomiting and laying on the couch while groaning, no one was declared the winner.

Thursday, 10 a.m.

If you messed things up with your girlfriend during the previous evening, you need to fix things right now. The bigger the party the night before, the more likely it is you’ll have cause for an apology. Don’t let your pride get in the way of admitting you were wrong. Even if you can’t remember why you’re wrong, say you’re sorry and join the family party. If you have an unresolved conflict, it will rear its head at several points during the day. Like when someone asks you, “When are you two getting married?” You don’t want your girlfriend to react by spitting out her wine.

Thursday, noon

Never cross the picket line and go into the kitchen. This is why you need to resolve your conflicts with your girlfriend prior to this moment. If you cross the line to smooth things over with your girlfriend, then you have to make it up to your girlfriend’s father, brothers, uncles, grandfather, etc. They’ll see it as a sign of weakness. Stay glued to the couch and provide some educated commentary on the games. Which reminds me …

Thursday, 1 p.m.

Don’t talk about your fantasy football players who are playing on Thanksgiving. 1. Nobody cares except for the people in your league. 2. Fifty percent of your audience will be females. 3. You’ll have to spend 30 minutes explaining your league rules to your father. 4. Your old man will spend the rest of the day asking questions such as, “Who has the Lions fullback, Dan?” 5. You may incite a fantasy conversation with someone who takes it way too seriously. 99. Nobody cares except for the people in the league.

Thursday, 2 p.m.

If you have any say in the timing of the meal — and you probably don’t unless you’re hosting — be aware of the NFL schedule that day. Green Bay plays Detroit at 12:30 p.m. Oakland plays Dallas at 4:15 p.m. Then the Giants play Denver at 8:20 p.m. A veteran might encourage the hosts to shoot for a 2 p.m. Thanksgiving meal. That way, you’ll catch the first half of the Packers-Lions game. If you think back to previous years, the Lions are typically trailing by at least 30 points by halftime. With a 2 p.m. dinner time, you’ll sit down for the meal just as that game has turned into a snoozer. You’ll eat and continue your post-meal traditions (family walk around the block, cigars, etc.) all before the late-afternoon game.

Thursday, 2:15 p.m.

If you’re new to that particular Thanksgiving gathering (i.e. your first meal at the in-laws), go ahead and grab the largest, darkest cut of meat on the serving tray. I always like when the least-deserving person at the table grabs the biggest piece of meat. It’s the equivalent of when a punter makes a fuss after his team wins a hard-hitting AFC North battle. My brother has been grabbing the biggest piece of meat since he was 7. A few years ago, he realized this tradition was insulting to my dad, who worked hard to provide the meat in the first place. Still, he continued the tradition because knowing only makes it funnier.

Thursday, 4 p.m.

Nap. Trust me on this one. Nap even if you’re not tired. This is tough for me because I’ve never been able to nap. Even after a full night of partying and a huge meal of turkey, gravy, mashed potatoes and pumpkin pie, I can’t fall asleep in the middle of the day. My dad is the complete opposite. Give him a meal, put him in his blue chair, and the guy will be sawing logs in 30 seconds. Occasionally he’ll wake himself up with a sudden snore, and he’ll look around the room and say something like, “Crappy game, huh?” It could be 49-49 in the fourth quarter. Everybody just nods at him. One year, I decided to disrupt my dad’s nap by sneaking behind his swivel chair and rocking it back and forth. Before he stopped snoring, he grabbed the back of my shirt and directed me to my bedroom. He finished his nap in the blue chair, and I spent the 4 o’clock game staring at the ceiling in my bedroom. So, again, just take a nap at 4 o’clock — even if you’re not tired.

Thursday, 6 p.m.

After you wake up, check to make sure the dishes have been cleaned. This is the time when you should officially cross the picket line to say, “Can I help with the dishes?” No one can say you didn’t offer.

Thursday, 7 p.m.

Make a sandwich out of cold turkey, stuffing, gravy, potatoes and cranberry sauce. Don’t worry about getting it all over your face. Before you make plans to watch the late game, gauge your girlfriend’s satisfaction level with your performance. If you’ve passed the test, make a push to find a TV with the NFL Network. If you’re still treading water with her based on your performance from the previous evening, suck it up and offer to watch “Love Actually” for the 14th time.

16 Comments for “Men’s Guide to Thanksgiving Day”

1. HughGrant Says:
   November 24th, 2009 at 8:06 am

   Great choice for the Thursday night movie. Might I also recommend Notting Hill, About A Boy, and Two Weeks Notice?

2. Jon Says:
   November 24th, 2009 at 8:35 am

   I highly recommend deep frying your turkey, not only does it taste great but it gives the men the chance to hang out outside the house to avoid the screamming children and internal mayhem while the cooking time is perfect for some scotch and a cigar. This also means you get to avoid watching the Lions try to play football.

3. Favre Superfan! Says:
   November 24th, 2009 at 8:48 am

   So the meal ends at 3 and you offer to help with dishes at 6? You stole that from my manifesto ‘Having Fun Favre-ever’. Only a truly great guy volunteers for something 2 and a half hours after it was done. Just remember to smile, hug someone, and give them that ‘aw shucks’ shrug and everyone over the age of 50 will gush over you!

4. TheGravy Says:
   November 24th, 2009 at 10:39 am

   That turkey has a scrotum where its head should be. And what’s more, it has three smaller scrotums (scroti?) hanging from its central head-scrotum.

5. KF Says:
   November 24th, 2009 at 11:06 am

   Embrace the Wednesday night out. That’s the best part – find out what ladies are packing on the beef and who all of a sudden became sneaky hot.

   Opt for hard alcohol before the meal. Ideally a nice sipping drink like scotch. Don’t want to fill up on beer before the big meal. Every Thanksgiving, my brother and I have the scotch going by noontime.

   Play the role, collect the plates from the table and put them in the sink. It takes 5 minutes, and makes you look good. You don’t have to wash them, leave that to others.

6. Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants Says:
   November 24th, 2009 at 12:13 pm

   What about ME!?!?!?

7. Primo Deano Says:
   November 24th, 2009 at 12:13 pm

   Thanksgiving Gravy > TheGravy

8. TheGravy Says:
   November 24th, 2009 at 1:58 pm

   No arguement here. I slather myself in that stuff. Its like the spinach for my Popeye. Then I hit for the cycle and throw a complete game shutout.

9. HughGrant Says:
   November 24th, 2009 at 2:36 pm

   Was I in the Sisterhood? Do you think I know anything about the traveling pants? I think not. Now go rent Mickey Blue Eyes and enjoy!

   How would you like your steak cooked?

   RAAAAAAAW!

10. Shawn Says:
    November 24th, 2009 at 4:56 pm

    The obligatory football game is a must, especially for fratty dads and their kids is a must somewhere in that schedule: http://bit.ly/7WP01L

11. Anthony Says:
    November 24th, 2009 at 8:53 pm

    This is dead on, although you’re pretty old school in your assumptions about gender roles. For example, lots of women have fantasy football teams now. And in my family, the men help with the dishes.

12. oil can boyd Says:
    November 25th, 2009 at 6:20 am

    your wife’s family is going to assign you the task of doing dishes, fool–that is, after they make fun of you all throughout dinner.

13. Because I Can Says:
    November 25th, 2009 at 8:29 am

    During the first Thanksgiving, if any Pilgrim man helped with the dishes, they were scalped by a Native American

14. Disagreement Says:
    November 25th, 2009 at 10:21 am

    I never once did the Wednesday night thing. Wasn’t interested. I’ll stick to the official reunions once every five years.

    And I talk about my fantasy football team all the time. To anyone and everyone. At work, in the Shaw’s checkout line, anytime, anywhere. Sure hope Warner’s head injury doesn’t keep him out this week!

15. Pasta Man Says:
    November 25th, 2009 at 3:14 pm

    Dinner @ ~ 4PM so plenty of time to recup from the evil night before. That means that dishes will be ready around 6:30 just in time for you to rise from your nap!!!!!!!! No more dishin Dan time to step up to the plate and bat cleanup!!!!!

16. Pugsam Says:
    November 25th, 2009 at 4:27 pm

    Regarding gender roles and Native Americans: My wife used to work in D.C. for the Department of the Interior. At a social event sponsored by the Bureau of Indian Affiars, I was introduced to a very old Indian Chief named “Two Eagles.” I asked him, “You have observed the white man for 90 years. You’ve seen his wars and his technological advances. You’ve seen his progress, and the damage he’s done.”

    The Chief nodded in agreement.

    I continued, “Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?”

    Two Eagles thought for a moment and then calmly replied, “When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, medicine man was free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.”

    Then the chief leaned back and smiled “Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve on system like that.”

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