The NBA free agency period moved to its second stage yesterday when teams were officially allowed to ink players to new contracts. Although the free agency period technically started on July 1, the first week is always reserved for a courting process that allows general managers to recruit free agents as if they’re high school juniors, and wait until July 8 for them to sign the official letter of intent. This year, there was a fair share of controversy as former Lakers swingman Trevor Ariza nearly reneged on a verbal agreement with the Houston Rockets in favor of the Cleveland Cavs, but only if Lebron James could provide assurance that he’d remain in Cleveland past next season.

Needs two things: Lebron and money

Of course, Lebron provided zero assurances that he’d remain in Cleveland, preferring to wait until next offseason to make that decision. Ariza ended up signing with Houston yesterday. If you ask me, Ariza had a lot of nerve to ask Lebron for a guarantee. For the last three years, everyone has speculated on whether Lebron would remain in Cleveland or maximize his earning potential in New York or another major market. What makes Ariza think Lebron’s decision is going to hinge on the chance to play with a guy who played well for two weeks in June?

But Ariza’s contact with Lebron brings back memories of contracts with poison pills and escalator clauses. Ariza seemed to be looking for a contract from Cleveland that read something to the effect of, “If Lebron leaves after next season, Ariza becomes an unrestricted free agent.” Those contracts don’t exist in the NBA. There are no performance clauses or bonuses built into NBA deals. All contracts are guaranteed.

That’s unfortunate because I like the idea of incorporating poison pills and escalator clauses into contracts. They’re fun to revisit a few years after the deal. What about the contract LSU football coach Les Miles’ signed in 2008 that requires him to make $1,000 more than the highest-paid coach in the SEC? When Nick Saban got a huge deal from Alabama later that year, Miles’ deal increased to $3.751 annually. Florida coach Urban Meyer can boast two national championships in the last three years, and Miles is likely cheering for him to get a large salary bump.

In the NFL, poison pills became a problem in 2006, when the Minnesota Vikings offered offensive guard Steve Hutchinson, a restricted free agent, a seven-year, $49 million contract with $16 million guaranteed. There were two poison pills that made it impossible for the Seattle Seahawks to match it. 1. The team had to pay $13 million in the first year, and the Seahawks were already up against the cap. 2. Hutchinson was required to be the highest paid lineman on the team, which was impossible in Seattle since Walter Jones was making more money than Minnesota offered Hutchinson.

The Vikings countered the move by signing wide receiver Nate Burleson, also a restricted free agent, to an ironic seven-year, $49 million deal. The two poison pills that made it impossible for the Vikings to match: 1. If Burleson played five or more games in the state of Minnesota, the entire contract would become guaranteed. 2. If Burleson made more than all of the team’s running backs combined, the $49 million would be guaranteed. The Vikings obviously play half their games in Minnesota, and their running backs made less than $7 million in 2006. So they had no interest in guaranteeing a marginal receiver $49 million.

In the spirit of Ariza’s perceived desire for a “I-only-play-with-Lebron” contract stipulation, I decided to come up with a few other contract clauses for professional athletes.

1. The team is required to pay me for the entirety of the deal — even during any steroid suspensions — because that’s how I got this good in the first place.

2. If the host city’s male/female ration skews in favor of the males, I have a player’s option to leave.

3. I can never be traded to Salt Lake City, Utah. Or anywhere near Utah.

4. If my name ever appears in a police report, the team will sweep it under the rug and continue cutting those checks.

5. If a member of the media criticizes me for coasting during a blow-out, the team will see to it that he/she is “laid off”, or pad my paycheck with a $10,000 settlement for emotional damage.

6. If I’m spotted in a gentleman’s club, the team will assume I’ve run out of money, and I’ll need a bonus in my next paycheck.

7. If it rains in my team’s host city for the entire month of June, the team will assume that I’ve demanded a trade.

8. In fact, the team will assume that if the temperature dips below 40 degrees at any point during the year, I want a trade.

9. If the team trades one of my best buddies, the team will assume I’ll need to be compensated for a crazy bon-voyage party.

10. If my team goes into tank-mode in hopes of acquiring a top draft pick, the team will force the trainer to diagnose me with a season-ending injury.

One Comments for “NBA needs poison-pill contracts”

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