If you ask me, this Tiger Woods story hasn’t even come close to reaching its shelf life. Breaking news continues to trickle into the public forum inch by inch, almost as if to satisfy America’s collective short attention span. Yesterday, we listened to the implicating message Tiger left on Jamiee Grubbs’ phone. Here’s the transcript of the message:

“Hey, it’s Tiger. I need you to do me a huge favor. Can you please take your name off your phone? My wife went through my phone and may be calling you. So if you can, please take your name off that. Just have it as a number on the voicemail, just have it as your telephone number. You got to do this for me. Huge. Quickly. Bye.”

Later yesterday, Tiger issued a statement basically saying: “I did all of the things I’ve been accused of. Now get the TV trucks off my property before I treat the front lawn like my personal driving range.”

What do Tiger and Jeter have in common? Very little. (AP)

One of my favorite parts of this story is that no one knows exactly what happened, everyone has an opinion, and it’s impossible to find two people who feel exactly the same way. As evidence of that very fact, I’ve decided to run a mailbag, giving the readers an opportunity to air their thoughts on the matter. All of these opinions have been pulled from the comment section following yesterday’s Tiger-related post.

“There is only one word I can come up with that describes Tiger’s recent and not so recent actions. LOOSER! He goes on national television with his wife and tries to give the public an image of a lovely, happy household. He worships his wife and child? What a phony. This rates with Bill (no sexual relations) Clinton as well as the rest of the bums that cheat on their wives. If they have that urge, call the marriage off and go about your business. John Daly is crucified for doing this, I am interested in seeing how bad this really gets for the almighty Tiger Woods. Time will tell.”

– Mat

Here, here, Mat. I think I know what you mean by “looser.” It means “more loose,” right? For instance, yesterday morning, I thought Tiger was loose. But when five other women came clean with allegations by the end of the day, I started to get the impression that Tiger was much “looser” than I ever imagined.

Mat – it sounds like your husband has cheated on you before and you’re now using Dan’s WEEI blog as your soapbox to speak out for scorned partners. Let’s cut Tiger a break here. The only thing proven is that he wrecked his car. Anything else is purely gossip and speculation. In his many years in the spotlight, he has never had his name associated with any type of a scandal or off-color activity. At this point, he certainly deserves the benefit of the doubt. Please respect this column as a sports blog and take your ranting to the US Weekly or National Enquirer websites.

– J. Gandolfo

I should note that J. Gandolfo posted that comment at 9:39 yesterday morning, so he may have changed his tune as he gathered more information throughout the day. But we all have to admire J. Gandolfo’s bravery for taking that strong of a stand when the odds were stacked against Tiger, and all the while, having the courage to attach his last name to the Lee Janzen-like sentiment. Strong play, Mr. Gandolfo.

Does this mean that I get my nanny back? Kids are a lot of work!

– Jesper

As far as I know, these were Jesper Parnevik’s first public comments when he posted this at 9:58 yesterday morning. At the time, Parnevik was thinking about himself. After all, Elin used to serve as a nanny for Parnevik before he introduced the couple. Later in the day, Parnevik rethought this post, paid closer attention to Elin’s feelings, and made these comments, according to The Golf Channel.

What other companies could Tiger endorse? (AP)

“I feel really sorry for Elin. I would be especially sad about it since I’m kind of — I really feel sorry for Elin — since me and my wife were at fault for hooking her up with him. We probably thought he was a better guy than he is. I would probably need to apologize to her and hope she uses a driver next time instead of the 3-iron.”

Easy, Jesper. Tiger’s not dead.

Moderator: “Call to Vote! Gravy?”
TheGravy: “Present!”
Moderator: “Tiger Woods: Philanderer? Yea or Nay.”
TheGravy: “Abstain!”
Moderator: “Mat: Cuckolded? Yea or Nay.”
TheGravy: “Yea!”

Old J. Gandolfo, you old bag, you hit it right on the head, you old scamp. Who was the commenter who said something about getting some strange when the (Steve) Phillips thing went down? Gravy wants them to weigh in here, because “Cash for Plumpers” was a watershed moment in comedy.

– TheGravy

It’s not a mailbag until TheGravy does his thing for 100 words. And since I’m sure everyone got stuck on the same word, I went ahead and looked up “cuckold” for all of us.

A cuckold is a married man with an adulterous wife, but current usage sometimes extends the term informally to include cuckqueans (women with adulterous husbands).

I think (Derek) Jeter is one of the only guys who has this young rich athlete thing figured out. No wife, no kids, no problem. Living life large in NYC and (Florida) and wherever/whatever else he wants to do … it’s called dating!

Oh yeah I forgot, Dan, congrats on the wedding!

– Jon

Jon — I assure you, if I were still single, I’d be living the life of Nick Green, not Derek Jeter. Mr. November is working with a different “portfolio.”

Well, I see a future sponsorship opportunity for Trojan!

– Kevin

Kevin, I really like the idea. Let’s think about how the next year is going to play out for Tiger. Eventually, news of additional affairs and sext messages will stop coming out every six hours. In about two weeks, Tiger may even have his requests/demands for privacy granted. Then we won’t hear a peep from him until about a month before the Masters. He’ll show early at his first tournament just so he can go through the press conference ordeal before play begins. He may even be faced with protesters or angry fans. He’ll try to play the “nice guy” card, but no one will believe it. He’ll lose most of his squeaky clean fan base. And I’m betting he struggles on the course all of next year, while the media kicks around theories that Tiger’s extramarital affairs ruined his legacy.

But what if Tiger did the disappearing thing for about three months, and then all of the sudden he popped up in an ad for Trojan condoms? You’re telling me you wouldn’t smile when you saw that commercial? You might even catch yourself laughing out loud. Then you’re thinking, “Hey, Tiger can laugh at himself. Maybe the guy is human after all.” Of course, this would never happen because Tiger would be deemed mentally unstable by all future companies looking for a spokesman. And he’d probably have to transfer more money over to his wife’s new personal bank account, which was opened with a seven-figure down payment yesterday.

(To Mat:) “Looser” says everything about you and nothing about Tiger. Nice try. Next time, get a slang dictionary. Mat says, “Let’s hope more bad stuff happens. I like bad stuff to happen to other people. They deserve it and I deserve to be entertained.”

– Tim

Tim, I’ll argue that Tiger does deserve the bad stuff that’s happening to him. And now our final commenter is going to teach us why Tiger brought this on himself …

“Hey, it’s Tiger.” Is that a joke? Much like my high school Italian class blackboard, we stay anonymous when making major mistakes. How would she not know who’s calling? We’re in the cell phone era, Tiger. Speaking of the cell phone era, you can password lock your phone to prevent nosey people (wives) from snooping around where they shouldn’t (on your phone)! And you can also get shady family plans where you’d control her phone, who it called, and even how many minutes your mistress would have. She couldn’t sell the contents of the cell phone because it’s your property! I’d expect more from a Stanford alum and personal friend of Michael Jordan in his affairs.

And let’s also address the idea of getting a mistress whose aspiration is “to be famous.” If she looks like an 8, has no discernible talent, and less discernible intelligence, don’t you think “getting her eagle on” with the greatest golfer of all-time might be her only ticket to that dream? You need to pursue women who are already married or savvy businesswomen. Would a savvy businesswoman sell a voicemail to US Weekly for six figures when you’d buy it for closer to eight figures? I didn’t think so. How can a guy read a 60-foot putt on the toughest greens in the world but not the intentions of a floozy on a VH1 reality show?

Lastly, you need to handle your business at home. Your wife shouldn’t be rifling through your phone. She shouldn’t be believing National Enquirer articles. And she shouldn’t be attacking you with golf clubs. Because she should be on the losing end of a prenuptial agreement if she gets out of line.

Why do I stay anonymous, Tiger? Because I’m smarter than you and know how to protect my absolutely worthless public image. And I’m far too pretty to take a 5-iron to the face.

– Anonymous

On that note, let’s call it a mailbag.

33 Comments for “Opening a Tiger-only mailbag”

1. Don Hyslop Says:
   December 3rd, 2009 at 7:38 am

   Guys,
   If you haven’t had a chance yet read Charlie Pierce’s Esquire story which has been reprinted in the online Globe today. It appears that Tiger has been a skirt chaser since he first joined the tour.
   My opinion is that who cares how Tiger feels. I am sick of hearing poor Tiger, what a tragedy, will he recover, etc. He made his bed literally. The only ones I feel sorry for are his wife and kids.

2. Because I Can Says:
   December 3rd, 2009 at 8:12 am

   It’s just Tiger being Tiger. His kids are fine, they’re toddlers and they probably have a million toys. They have those beds that are shaped like a race car that we used to see in 80s movies. They’re fine.

3. Because I Can Says:
   December 3rd, 2009 at 8:21 am

   New Reality TV: Follow around Scott Boras and Drew Rosenhaus as they negotiate pre-nups for their clients. Background commentating by Dikembe Mutombo

4. Favre Superfan! Says:
   December 3rd, 2009 at 8:48 am

   No athlete loves their wife like Brett loves Deanna! He wrote the book on being a supportive husband in 2004, after he wrote the book on having fun in ’95, winning titles in ’98; and before being a true hero in ’09. All best sellers, look it up. It’s not the chivalry is dead, it’s just that Brett has all of it at the moment!

5. Dirk Diggler Says:
   December 3rd, 2009 at 10:32 am

   Why is this even news?? Why do people care what someone else, whom they do not even know, does? You people are all sheep!! The typical American obsession with celebrities is f**kin embarrassing & sad. Get your own life & stay out of others!! Every human being has skeletons in their own closets. Why does it matter who is banging who? The sexual repression in the country is pathetic. People are mammals, and mammals like to F**K!!

6. Tony Danza Says:
   December 3rd, 2009 at 10:44 am

   @Don Hyslop Haha you’ve got to be kidding me? A skirt chaser, you think? What do you have a wide stance like Larry Craig? What 21 year-old hetero male millionaire wouldn’t be a “skirt chaser”? You’re a fool or just a dork if you actually think that Charlie Pierce article was a good read. I may not agree with Tiger cheating on his wife now but what 21 year-old kid doesn’t make dick jokes and chase girls? Evidently, you. Larry’s in stall 3.

7. Dirk Diggler Says:
   December 3rd, 2009 at 11:19 am

   You said it right Tony!! These people (Don Hyslop, Charlie Pierce & even Farve SuperFan!) are the real problem! They probably have more skeletons than anyone yet can’t seem to get enough celebrity gossip. Celebrity addiction is the same as drug or alcohol addiction.. A f**kin cop-out joke! Excuses, excuses.. Typical lazy boring Americans with no life & nothing better to do than read about people who have had more success in their lives & then try to ruin it for them.. Or even worse, pretend that they actually know this person! Oh yeah, to Farve SuperFan: Stop dreaming about sucking Brett Farve’s d*ck & get a life.. I’ll bet you believe everything that someone writes.. Why the hell do you care if he loves his wife?? Sounds creepy to me.. Get up off your knees & close your mouth please..

8. Favre SuperFan! Fan Says:
   December 3rd, 2009 at 11:33 am

   YOU BITE YOUR TONGUE DIRK DIGGLER! You just hate on Superfan b/c you don’t know how to “let loose” and have fun! If you had 1/10 the heart of Favre, Favre Superfan!, or Favre Superfan! Fan, you would be doing something special with your life right now.

   You are not worthy of being the mud caked in Brett Favre’s awesome cleats.

9. Dirk Diggler Says:
   December 3rd, 2009 at 12:11 pm

   Oh my God, you are a tool, Farve SuperFan! Bite your tongue? Who says that nowadays? Oh yeah, a celebrity stalker! Get a life man, seriously! You sound like the biggest p*ssy on here! You don’t know me either.. I am doing something special with my life a**hole! Every day.. I’m also a Gulf-war Veteran.. What the hell have you ever done with your life? Your too busy pretending to be Brett Farve.. Your too busy wanting to be Brett Farve.. Get a clue you f*ckin loser.. Brett Farve has no idea who you are & could f*cking care less.. Stop jerking off to the Sports Illustrated picture of Brett Farve & seek help.. Or better yet, just off yourself & the world instantly becomes a better place!

   Your not worthly of the sh*t caked under a horse’s hoof.

   BTW, I had a 3-some last night with 2 chicks who look like they were just in Maxim magazine, so don’t tell me that I don’t know how to have fun. I’m having fun right now just pointing out your idiotic (and borderline Gay) tendencies. Then I’m going to go outside & drive my Benz to the Golf course, play a round, have some drinks & then go meet up with the same two hotties from last night.

   How does your day look today? I bet your sitting around your double-wide trailer pretending to be Brett’s wife on her knees! YOU ARE A CREEEPY STALKER!!! GET A LIFE A**HOLE!!!

10. Favre Superfan! Says:
    December 3rd, 2009 at 12:34 pm

    Let me start by thanking a fan of mine for stepping to the plate for me. You know it’s humbling and I probably don’t deserve it. All I can do is shrug.

    But to address the notion that some people don’t like me, that’s fine. I can’t focus on that when I’m so focused on having fun. Caps Lock isn’t fun. Abrasive language isn’t fun. And where is the ‘aw shucks’ attitude about your duty to country and your performance last night?

    In all seriousness, thank you for your service to the country. Your service overseas is almost 1 full percent as valuable as Brett’s to this country. You sound like the kind of guy who loves Wrangler jean shorts, and as a Wrangler jeans fan, I think we can agree that’s pretty mean denim. Good luck on the course today and remember to smile and have fun Dirk!

11. TheGravy Says:
    December 3rd, 2009 at 12:46 pm

    This is the greatest day in the history of “Thanks for Playing.”

    Thank you, Tiger Woods’ Raging Libido.

12. Favre Superfan! Says:
    December 3rd, 2009 at 12:51 pm

    I immediately want to apologize to those veterans that do it the right way. If you serve with a smile, a fun approach, and a quiet dignity; and especially if you go back and forth on re-enlisting, of course you’re as much of a hero as Brett Favre. I shouldn’t kid like that.

13. Dirk Diggler Says:
    December 3rd, 2009 at 12:52 pm

    Your still an A**hole! If you think Bret Farve is more important to this country, than members (past & present) of our military, you have even more issues that I thought.. And no, I don’t feel bad for you.. Why, because I don’t know you or even care enough about you.. And no, I don’t wear Wrangler jeans idiot.. Only your love Brett wears those.. Your probably still in your pajama’s in your Mom’s basement of the trailer.. I mean seriously, is this the best sh*t you can come up with? Well, I’m off to the course, so have a sh*tty day c*nt.. Now go cry about my ‘abusive language’ you p*ssy!

14. Dirk Diggler Says:
    December 3rd, 2009 at 12:56 pm

    Also, the military doesn’t have a ‘fun approach’ or ‘serve with a smile’.. What the hell does that even mean? They are strictly business & that why our military is the best in the world.. Soldiers, Marines, & Airman don’t smile when they are being bombed or shot at.. Well, maybe the Marines do!

15. Favre SuperFan! Fan Says:
    December 3rd, 2009 at 1:13 pm

    Crying, Crying, Sad, Wait…what trailer has a basement? If Superfan lived in a trailer, it would only make sense that he created a bomb-ass basement for it. Probably has a Favre Fathead down there.

16. Dan Guttenplan Says:
    December 3rd, 2009 at 1:32 pm

    Guys,

    Can you do me a huge favor? Can you make your points without swearing (implied or explicit)? Thanks.

    -Dan

17. Dan Guttenplan Says:
    December 3rd, 2009 at 1:33 pm

    And while I’m here, I like the Bills (+3) over the Jets tonight in Toronto. I’ll get to the rest tomorrow.

18. Have a good day Says:
    December 3rd, 2009 at 4:49 pm

    Dan…thanks for the post. Although I respect the opinions of others, I wish they would respect my right not to continually read their offensive language.

19. TheGravy Says:
    December 3rd, 2009 at 4:51 pm

    If this was Tiger’s sports blog, guess what he would call it?

    Spanks for Splaying – it needed to be said.

    Can’t keep all the good Gravyisms or Mao-Ze-Gravy-Thought to myself.

    TheGravy is an altruistic Gravy.

20. Veej Says:
    December 10th, 2009 at 1:27 pm

    Does this make Elin a Cuckqean (female cuckold)

21. Guillermina Bussy Says:
    April 13th, 2010 at 12:06 am

    I personally know sex addiction can be extremely isolating. You feel like you are all alone. No one feels what its like to be you. If you just simply dont have somebody to talk to I am a patient listener.

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