I’m finding the Most Wanted List to be cathartic, so I’m going to continue with that theme. If you wrong me at some point during the week, you will find your name in the space below.

Smarter than he looks

1. Samuel Dalembert: What a pony. The Sixers center is one of those rare athletes who signs an absolutely terrible deal from the team’s perspective, underplays the contract for five years, and demands a trade with two years left on his deal. Here’s the problem with trading you, Samuel. No one wants you. You’re scheduled to make $23.8 million over the next two years, and any team that agrees to assume that contract also has to fork over a $3.8 million trade kicker. Dalembert is the equivalent of Kendrick Perkins during his rookie season. Nobody can pick up two fouls quicker. The Houston Rockets just learned Yao Ming is likely out for the 2009-2010 season, so Sixers GM Ed Stefanski called to gauge the Rockets’ interest in Dalembert. Turns out there’s zero interest. So take your trade demand, Samuel, and file it with the rest of your dreams that will never come true. If I were Samuel, I’d spend more time worrying about the things I can control — like eliminating this video from the Internet.

2. Bill Simmons: ESPN’s Sports Guy hasn’t had anything new in two weeks. And, no, I’m not accepting podcasts as positive contributions to my day. It’s well-documented Simmons is a volume-writer who can pump out a 10,000 word column in a few hours. He did it when Manny got caught taking steroids. He did it whenever a Boston team won a title in the last 10 years. So how does he continue to get paid full-time for a job that takes him 10 hours a week — tops? And, please, don’t misunderstand this rant as me saying I’m putting out a better product than Simmons. If he wrote every day like me, he’d destroy me. I’m jealous. And I miss the columns.

"I've done nothing wrong."

3. Joe Dumars: I’m really starting to think Dumars was wrongfully crowned a genius GM after the Pistons won a title in 2004. Granted, he made some decent moves (trading for Ben Wallace, Rip Hamilton, Rasheed Wallace, and Chauncey Billups) about 10 years ago. He was smart to draft Tayshaun Prince 23rd overall in the 2002 Draft. But what he’s done since the Darko Milicic pick (over Carmelo Anthony and Dwyane Wade) in 2003 is atrocious. Last year, he dumped Chauncey Billups for Allen Iverson’s expiring contract, and he saw the team chemistry suffer when he had too many shooting guards (Rodney Stuckey, Hamilton, and Iverson) and no one to get them the ball. So he just used all of Iverson’s money to sign Ben Gordon and Charlie Villanueva. Another shooting guard. No point guard. That’s the big splash from Joe Dumars.

4. Anthony Kim: This guy went into the final round of the AT&T National tied with Tiger Woods for the tournament lead. Tiger shot 3-under part 67 on Sunday. Kim shot 1-over par 71. Then Kim grabbed the microphone and told everyone he’s not intimidated by Tiger. This reminds me of when I used to bring home my report card and tell my dad that all of those C’s were going to get changed to A’s. He’s still waiting for those changes. I’m still in denial.

A bold fashion statement

5. Roger Federer: The Wimbledon champ passed Pete Sampras for all-time Grand Slam victories following Sunday’s marathon win over Andy Roddick. Federer celebrated his 15th Grand Slam victory by wearing a jacket with the No. 15 emblazoned in gold on the back. He called it a “bold move” to wear the jacket AFTER the match. Maybe that’s bold in Switzerland, Roger, but in America, we wear the bold jacket TO the match, or we don’t wear it at all. I may have even considered playing the first set while wearing the jacket. That’s bold.

6. Contradictory parents: If I’m at a family beach, and I accidentally swear in front of your kids, it’s all my fault. I’m not paying attention to my surroundings. I’m acting belligerently. I deserve to be reprimanded. Now if I’m at a bar, and I accidentally swear in front of your kids, it’s both of our fault. I failed to recognize that a parent would feel comfortable bringing his/her child into a dive bar at midnight. And you failed to recognize that the crappiest bar in Cambridge isn’t the best place to raise your children after midnight. Let’s call it even.

"I left my other rings on LAWN GUY LIND!"

7. Yankees fans: Derek Jeter made a bone-headed base-running error on Monday, running into the first out of the game while attempting to steal third base. Again, nobody was out, Jeter was on second, and he attempted to steal third. Not to say Jeter is normally a space cadet, but that stolen base attempt goes against the baseball handbook, which says you don’t run into the first out of an inning at third base or home. Of course, a Yankees columnist wrote about this issue in the New York Daily News, and a horde of people weighed in with comments defending Jeter. Here’s my favorite from bill2008.

“(The umpire) Marty Foster has to be about the dumbest person on the planet. First, for calling Jeter out when he was not tagged, and second for saying Jeter did not have to be tagged if the ball beat him there. What’s next Marty? Maybe your foot doesn’t have to be on the bag for a force play if the ball beats you there. Give Jeter all the credit in the world for being the class act that he is. There are a lot of things he could have said, but he instead takes the high road by simply saying he was baffled by the explanation and that he was unaware of the change in the rule that he no longer had to be tagged.”

8. Bill Plaschke: The Los Angeles Times columnist went on ESPN’s Around the Horn last week and claimed he refused to cover Manny Ramirez’ return from a steroid suspension. He was sickened by the attention people were giving the former Sox slugger. As he spewed his disgust for Manny, I thought to myself, “The guy’s a columnist. He doesn’t decide what he writes. His editor does.” And like a good editor, the head man at the L.A. Times assigned Plaschke to write about Manny four of his last five columns. Why not? The guy obviously has a strong opinion. Isn’t that the point of a column? So keep pulling that vigilante style, Bill. You’re your own boss.

"I hate this scrutiny."

9. People who opined about Michael Jackson on Facebook. What the hell happened on Facebook yesterday? Throughout the course of the day, everybody felt the need to share an extremely controversial opinion about Michael Jackson. It wasn’t OK to say you were sorry to see him go. Either he was the King of Pop, and everybody else needed to respect that opinion on such a sensitive day. Or he was a child molester, and everyone who honored him heroically needed to have their heads examined. Hey, if you’re going to throw out an opinion to one polar extreme, you have to be prepared to handle the other extreme. Kudos to anyone who decided to mourn the loss privately.

10. Sarah Palin: I think we can all agree Palin’s resignation was good for a few laughs. She wants to run for President in 2012, but she couldn’t handle the media scrutiny of being the Governor of Alaska. Her resignation blog is all over the place. She’s a martyr for being unfairly criticized. She’s a hero for recognizing what is in the best interests of Alaska. She’s General MacArthur because she is not retreating. At the end of the blog, she even ties it all together like a seventh-grade research paper that’s a half-page shy of the minimum length requirement. This is an excerpt from the blog.

“*((Gotta put First Things First))*

First things first: as Governor, I love my job and I love Alaska. It hurts to make this choice but I am doing what’s best for Alaska. I’ve explained why… though I think of the saying on my parents’ refrigerator that says “Don’t explain: your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe you anyway.”

But I have given my reasons… no more “politics as usual” and I am taking my fight for what’s right – for Alaska – in a new direction.”

Wow. She’s crazy. Is there not a single speech writer or copy editor in Alaska? But if you think you can take nothing from Palin’s letter, you obviously failed to read the entire thing. Whenever someone tells you to go with the flow, use Palin’s timeless line: “Nah, only dead fish ‘go with the flow’.

7 Comments for “Yankee fans, Palin find place on Most Wanted List”

1. Because I Can Says:
   July 8th, 2009 at 9:25 am

   I’m hoping that when I pass away Al Sharpton will come out of the woods and say a few kinds words about me. I really cherish the time I’ve spent with him.

2. KD Says:
   July 8th, 2009 at 11:14 am

   Totally agree with #6: Parents Taking Their Kids into The Starboard for Brunch During “Suicide Sunday”.

   If you think I care about young children being around while I’m dropping F-bombs at Federer on the television screen, than you’re drunker than me. Congrats, F*@#%R (Father)!

3. Primo Deano Says:
   July 8th, 2009 at 11:35 am

   I’ve never been a fan of going by the baseball handbook anyways. Where’s the excitement in that??? That’s like saying A-Rod shouldn’t have called “Mine!” as he headed for 3rd last season… That was pure gold.

   Umpires are not allowed to be wrong. That horrible call could cost us the 2009 World Series.

4. NC Says:
   July 8th, 2009 at 12:29 pm

   RE: #6 Contradictory parents:

   You went to the Courtside without me?

5. Jon Says:
   July 8th, 2009 at 1:13 pm

   The Courtside is a fine place to bring the kids when you have some drinking to do, at least it was until they took out the Golden Tee.

6. NC Says:
   July 9th, 2009 at 8:52 am

   @Jon

   Kids don’t like Buck Hunter?

7. EG Says:
   July 9th, 2009 at 9:02 am

   @NC
   was thinking the same thing…

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