Former Red Sox great Manny Ramirez remains unsigned more than three months after his agent, Scott Boras, said he’d begin fielding “serious offers” for the 36-year-old left fielder. Based on reports out of Los Angeles, Manny and Boras have rejected two offers from the Dodgers — one for two years and $45 million, and another for one year and $25 million. And why not reject these insulting offers? We wouldn’t expect Manny to catch wind of the economic crisis when he’s been busy watching the Cartoon Network and jamming out to salsa music.

"Please honor my demands."

Many baseball experts are criticizing Manny for failing to scale back his demands when thousands of Americans are losing their jobs every day. But the money is just a small factor in Manny’s contract expectations. Allow me to speculate on some of the other demands in Manny’s contract.

1. The Dodgers must install a port-o-potty in foul territory in left field because late innings can be extremely long with the team’s shaky bullpen.
2. The Dodgers must supply uniform pants that are pre-cut at the ankles because Manny is tired of stepping on his pants while jogging after fly balls.
3. Manny refuses all batting practice assignments — he’d rather not take a turn in a group of three hitters. He must be able to start and stop hitting at his own convenience.
4. The team must supply Manny with his own personal ticket supplier. The team-appointed ticket coordinator will not suffice unless he/she is ready to get choke-slammed whenever Manny feels slighted.
5. The Dodgers must schedule at least nine games with the Yankees because Manny loves playing in New York. Manny is unaware that any National League team is stationed in the Big Apple.
6. Manny is exempt from any team rule involving the grooming of hair. If the manager mentions a hair-cutting rule to Manny, he receives a day off as a penance. The team should then issue a statement that Manny has a sore knee. Which one? Who cares?
   

   No more distractions, Joe.

7. Manny must receive a bonus equaling the salary of his “cutoff man” if he decides to overthrow his teammate for the entirety of the season.
8. Signals from the third-base coach do not apply to Manny. How can anyone expect Manny to hit when he’s busy trying to decipher signals? Manny will not be bunting, and he often gets confused as to which base is technically “third”. Please stop distracting him.
9. If Manny’s friends or family members are in town, the Dodgers are obligated to kick at least 25 season-ticket holders out of their box seats. His entourage refuses to sit in the cheap seats. And this action does not require advanced notice. The team should be prepared to make this change minutes before the first pitch. And please keep the 60-plus crowd out of the locker room, because the Red Sox had a guy who really got under Manny’s skin.
10. The Dodgers are Manny’s team. So enough with trying to sign “gritty” players. It’s not about playing the right way. It’s about hitting, joking and falling on top of random pop-ups. The team should never prioritize pitching, defense, or character.
11. Ground balls give Manny nothing more than an opportunity to stretch his legs. He should not be required to run out infield grounders. Leave that for the Juan Pierres of the world.
12. If a teammate is carrying on after a strike out, Manny has full permission to slap that player in the head. Again, baseball is fun. Striking out is also fun, as long as everyone is smiling on their way back to the dugout.
13. The Dodgers must set up direct deposit for Manny. He’s tired of losing paychecks in his locker, and the follow-up e-mails are insulting. Asking Manny if he’s been to the bank doesn’t put the money into his bank account. Please do that for him.
14. Manny Being Manny should be trademarked. Manny would like a portion of the proceeds whenever an announcer or writer makes reference to this expression.
15. Manny receives a 10 percent pay increase if he is the subject of trade rumors at the deadline. And this holds true even if Manny is the source of those rumors. In other words, if Manny wants to leave, you should pay him to do so.
16. If Manny is having trouble selling his grill on eBay, the team must do it for him. How can anyone expect him to hit home runs when he’s stressed about selling a $2,000 grill on the Internet?
    

    Manny should not have to pose for photos like this.

17. The Dodgers must pay for Manny’s condominium at the Ritz-Carlton in Boston. The agent should not be saddled with the responsibility of notifying Manny that Los Angeles is 3,000-plus miles from Boston. He likes the Ritz. He wants to stay there.
18. The Dodgers must sign Julian Tavarez. Manny is aware that Julian can be aloof at times. But no one can articulate Manny’s thoughts better than Julian.
19. Manny is not required to speak with the media. Ever. Manny will likely choose to share a list of his offseason reading when he reports to camp. Then he’ll likely remind the beat writers that baseball is just a game when his team is on the brink of elimination in the playoffs. That will have to suffice.
20. Manny must be able to expense his gas mileage. The slugger once proclaimed that the price of gas is up, and so are his contract demands. Please don’t remind Manny that the price of gas is no longer “up”. Just pay for it.

5 Comments for “Manny wants more than money”

1. KD Says:
   February 25th, 2009 at 3:53 pm

   Do you think Manny reads this blog? If he does (and I’m sure he agrees with everything you wrote), you will most likely be the topic of Joe Torre’s next book.

   Good blog Dan.

2. Bob Fast Says:
   March 11th, 2009 at 10:29 am

   Thanks for your great blog and interesting posts, Keep up the good work!

3. Ruby Says:
   April 20th, 2009 at 4:54 pm

   Thank you for your info!

4. Lost Blog Says:
   August 16th, 2009 at 7:17 am

   Entourage is a very clever series, every episode is very witty and the character Ari is so watchable.

5. Milano House Says:
   September 12th, 2009 at 7:42 am

   I was hoping I could ask you a rhetorical question about yourself, would that be ok? Nice post by the way, its always good to share.

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